Create Your Own Thirteenism! (Tales of the Unexpected #2 Backup Story, Cover Date January, 2007)

Characters

Main Heroes: Dr. Thirteen, Traci Thirteen

Main Villain: I, Vampire

P'Shat

Dr. Thirteen awakens from a dream to find himself in the cave of a vampire, who claims to have died two (or three) times already. Dr. Thirteen thinks he's just a goth. Traci walks out of the cave and is kipnapped. When he runs after her, he is knocked out by what appears to be a Nazi Ape. Dr. Thirteen has another dream, and awakens to find a cro-magnon buried in the ice below him, completely missing the floating pirate ship above and behind him.

Drash

Giant Floating Nazi Pirate Apes! Is there a better concept for a villain in all of comicdom?

Putting behind all thoughts of incest this week (not even in two otherwise ambiguous dream sequence), Dr. 13 gives us some good quotables this month, that seem to fit into an ineffible category of their own. Image John Cleese from Monty Python, playing a straight man in a show that was not otherwise a comedy. Or maybe the comedy team of Abbott & Hardy.

For example:

Dr. Thirteen: As much as the rest of the world would have us believe otherwise, cavemen didn't speak French.

What an unusual conspiracy! And again:

Dr. Thirteen: Look, I'm humoring you as far as the bloodlust goes, but cryptozoology I just won't cotton to.

A guy's got to have his limits!

So, what would your Dr. Thirteenism be if you were, say, attacked by giant floating Nazi pirate apes? I'm thinking something along the lines of:

"Keep my daughter as a slave if you must, but for the love of decency please dispense with at least one of your cliched villainous tropes!"